Good Morning, Poland!

Jesus Christ. Why the hell am I up this early? I woke up at 7:30 am, fed the cat, paid a couple of bills, and I've just been farting around the web for the last half hour. AND I'm out of cigarettes, which is a tragedy, because its not like I can just go to the store any time I want to. Goddamn Slawek (my cuddy). I called him last night to see if he could pick some up for me, and he never showed. Like he has anything to goddamned do. Pfft, he's gonna get it.

Anyway, Ghostbusters was on last night, after CSI:Miami. *GASP* They finally showed something kind of worthwhile on TV here in Poland?? Why yes, yes they did. I was so tired last night that I fell asleep about half way through it, but that's okay because I've seen it like 600 times.

Wait, Joanna ..... You were tired?? I thought you do nothing all day except oversee the flattening of your asscheeks? Yes, Yes I was tired. And here's why.

We've heard me talk about my crazy mother before, and crazy ol' mom goes to the senior's club here in town, which is basically like 9th grade for old people. They have a lot of costume parties (a lot of parties, period!!), and it just so happens that there's a huge gala planned for this evening. First my mom was going to be a gypsy, which is fine because that's easy. Then she got the bright idea to be an oven. Yeah that's right...an oven. Not a regular cooking oven, but a heating oven. Now I know we're all used to turning a knob or pushing a button to get our heat in the US, but not so, for many years, here in Poland. A heating oven is a ceramic tiled oven that's about 7 feet tall that stands in the corner of a room. It's heated by wood and coal that you burn in the little opening in the bottom. The ceramic tiles get hot like crazy, and that's how you keep yourself from freezing to death in the winter. Here's a picture. Just so happens that this one is exactly like the ones we had at my aunt's house, except the tile was darker. She has now upgraded to central heating. Swank.


So anyway, my mom decided she's going to have her friend make her an oven costume. And it comes out a MESS. The lady used some old sign material which had blue, purple, pink and yellow enormous letters on it and painted the tiles all over the place. My mother, needless to say, was completely distraught. I'm not really suprised at her though because her main goal in life is to be hilarious at the senior's club and she did not look hilarious. Just messy.

So lo and behold, her daughter (me) is an artist!! So I was comandeered yesterday to repaint the whole costume, paint flames above the door and smoke below, and paint a sign which will be attached on the back. It took me like five hours to get everything done. My back was sore like crazy because I was standing over the damn costume for so long. But it's for the good of hilarity, so I can't complain too much. I'm taking pictures tonight and so is my cousin, so I'll be sure to post them as soon as I get them.

Oh I haven't told you about the best part yet. There is a little silver door on the front and when you open it there's something inside. My mother bought a men's g string with a pouch for the wiener. The pouch is a little devil guy! So she's wearing it over her pants, stuffed with batting. So basically when you open the door there's a devil wiener poking out at you.

Should I have her committed? I've been thinking about it lately.

Anyway, I've also got to get my crazy ol' aunts ready today. One of them is going to be a punk rocker, so there's lots of hair and makeup to do, and my other aunt is going to be a wounded patient, so I've just got to put some paint on her bandages.

Lord, give me the strength.