It's been a while, people!

I LOVE THIS.

I love the Dollar Store...the Polish Dollar Store

Ladies and Gentleman,

I have officially made the greatest purchase of all time, and it cost me about $.70. Today I went into town with my mom for my daily walk (yes, I realize, like a dog) and we stopped by what can only be described as a Polish dollar store. The walls are line with mostly useless crap, and it being Easter season, a trillion shitty Easter decorations. In any case, they have some decent photo albums, and my mom needed a couple, so we grabbed those and as I turn around I see one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. A purse, about 14X10, kind of rectangular, with this on both sides:



And one on side, which I'm assuming is the side that should be turned to the viewer, the cat has a diamond necklace on, made of little plastic rhinestines glued around the cat's neck, onto the fabric.

At first I couldn't believe what I was looking at, and then I busted out laughing. I laughed so hard I cried. Somehow, the salesgirls in the store didn't really think that it was as funny as I did. I think they thought there was something wrong with me, because the cashier didn't even crack a smile when I made a comment something like "This is great!" She just looked at me and flatly said "Yeah.." ANYWAY, then, I saw that it was on sale, and it cost me something around, like I said before, $.70!!!!

I am super excited about this purchase, and can't wait to wear my new bag proudly around Chicago. I'll be sure to post a photo of the actual bag when I get home and can hook my camera up to the computer.

Oh, and if you want one, let me know. You know you totally want one.

Yesterday and Today

So I'm watching VHI Poland's Yesterday and Today music video showcase. Suddenly, I see Janet Jackson's Escapade come on. She's young, she's cute, she's having fun at a carnival. I used to totally love this music video, and admittedly the song as well. Then a more recent video Feedback comes on, and I'm overcome with sadness and wonder at time same time. I suddenly see that she's closely following in the footsteps of Madonna and looking like a intergalactic slutbag. How is this happening?

Here she's totally cute and everyone loves her:

Control, bitch.
I loved this video and song! Hey, big deal.

Then she changed and she still looked good and like a healthy human female from the Planet Earth:


She's gone through many transformations, and I understand that image a huge part of her success. She's super famous and she's battled with her weight which must have been very difficult for her because she's in a "high pressure to be hot constantly industry. I think she always managed to look good and reinvent herself, but I just can't explain or understand where this new image superhighway is headed.

Is that a woman? Is that a mannequin? Is it an alien? Is it seriously Janet Jackson? WTF?


I prefer Janet from the days of Control, Escapade, When I Think of You, Miss You Much (that was my jam) and Nasty Boys (also my jam) where she's a little chub, just a tiny bit, and somehow more human looking. Frankly, I find her terrifying and totally gross these days. I can't say that I never loved Janet, I did, she had some good hits back in the day, but I don't understand what she's going for these days with her look and getups. She like Madonna, is not looking feminine or attractive anymore. They're both freakin' scary. Maybe that works for some people, I can't count myself as one of them, but I just don't get it. If anyone cares to enlighten me, feel free.

I can't even say anything about Madonna. She's on a whole different level than Janet. And Fonzipan always has hilarious things to say about her, so go there and read up. Here, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

This is my favorite Madonna. I had to.Here's a look maybe more of us out there will remember, something from when she was everywhere.

And now...

Dear God, help us all. I'm not sure if she doesn't want to admit it or what, but uh...she's old. There's nothing wrong with staying young or whatever and being fit and your career blah blah blah, but yeah. Nauseating.

Speaking of another intergalatic weirdo ( I won't call Beyonce a slutbag because I think she's cool, in a personal sense) who's idea was this? I fucking crack up every time I see this. I just want to know why, why this particular outfit. Genius.



Alright, anyway, back to my own reality. I've had my cast off for 8 days and I'm walking pretty well, even though it hurts like a bitch, I've got a pimp limp, and I'm really slow. I don't know how the hell I'm going to be at getting around once I get home. I'm walking at the pace of 70 year old woman, and I'm used to a kind of fast paced life when I'm back in Chicago. Its feeling sort of daunting, but I have a couple more weeks to recuperate and hopefully I'll be back at about 90% by then, at least. I've been out to town a few times and done some shopping, so it's been nice to get out of the house after two goddamned months. On a happier note: Spring is in the air!!!!

Good Morning, Poland!

Jesus Christ. Why the hell am I up this early? I woke up at 7:30 am, fed the cat, paid a couple of bills, and I've just been farting around the web for the last half hour. AND I'm out of cigarettes, which is a tragedy, because its not like I can just go to the store any time I want to. Goddamn Slawek (my cuddy). I called him last night to see if he could pick some up for me, and he never showed. Like he has anything to goddamned do. Pfft, he's gonna get it.

Anyway, Ghostbusters was on last night, after CSI:Miami. *GASP* They finally showed something kind of worthwhile on TV here in Poland?? Why yes, yes they did. I was so tired last night that I fell asleep about half way through it, but that's okay because I've seen it like 600 times.

Wait, Joanna ..... You were tired?? I thought you do nothing all day except oversee the flattening of your asscheeks? Yes, Yes I was tired. And here's why.

We've heard me talk about my crazy mother before, and crazy ol' mom goes to the senior's club here in town, which is basically like 9th grade for old people. They have a lot of costume parties (a lot of parties, period!!), and it just so happens that there's a huge gala planned for this evening. First my mom was going to be a gypsy, which is fine because that's easy. Then she got the bright idea to be an oven. Yeah that's right...an oven. Not a regular cooking oven, but a heating oven. Now I know we're all used to turning a knob or pushing a button to get our heat in the US, but not so, for many years, here in Poland. A heating oven is a ceramic tiled oven that's about 7 feet tall that stands in the corner of a room. It's heated by wood and coal that you burn in the little opening in the bottom. The ceramic tiles get hot like crazy, and that's how you keep yourself from freezing to death in the winter. Here's a picture. Just so happens that this one is exactly like the ones we had at my aunt's house, except the tile was darker. She has now upgraded to central heating. Swank.


So anyway, my mom decided she's going to have her friend make her an oven costume. And it comes out a MESS. The lady used some old sign material which had blue, purple, pink and yellow enormous letters on it and painted the tiles all over the place. My mother, needless to say, was completely distraught. I'm not really suprised at her though because her main goal in life is to be hilarious at the senior's club and she did not look hilarious. Just messy.

So lo and behold, her daughter (me) is an artist!! So I was comandeered yesterday to repaint the whole costume, paint flames above the door and smoke below, and paint a sign which will be attached on the back. It took me like five hours to get everything done. My back was sore like crazy because I was standing over the damn costume for so long. But it's for the good of hilarity, so I can't complain too much. I'm taking pictures tonight and so is my cousin, so I'll be sure to post them as soon as I get them.

Oh I haven't told you about the best part yet. There is a little silver door on the front and when you open it there's something inside. My mother bought a men's g string with a pouch for the wiener. The pouch is a little devil guy! So she's wearing it over her pants, stuffed with batting. So basically when you open the door there's a devil wiener poking out at you.

Should I have her committed? I've been thinking about it lately.

Anyway, I've also got to get my crazy ol' aunts ready today. One of them is going to be a punk rocker, so there's lots of hair and makeup to do, and my other aunt is going to be a wounded patient, so I've just got to put some paint on her bandages.

Lord, give me the strength.

Wow, I'm Really Boring

So basically, I've been doing nothing. Big surprise! This cast shit is really getting on my nerves. Luckily, I got clearance last week to cut it down below my knee, so I can actually bend my leg. Thrilling, I know. So that's made things a little bit easier. I love Poland, but I can't wait to get back to Chicago and back to real life. I miss my husband, I miss my cat, I miss school. I do not, however, miss my piece of shit job. It'll be sad when I leave, for sure, but I feel like I'm in some sort of strange limbo and my ass cheeks are getting flat from sitting all the time. Sure, there's always my late nights with CSI, but that can only give me temporary solace. Although the new season of CSI: Miami is starting here tonight, and that excites me.

I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday, and I have to say that it exceeded my expectations. I would also have to say that in truth it was an excellent cinematic achievement. I loved the costumes and the cinematography. The story itself was really interesting too, but ultimately so sad. I'm not giving any details because you should definitely see it for yourself. Even though it was almost three hours long it didn't really feel like it and I would gladly watch it again.

I've got City of Ember on my list for today since my mother went to the senior's club, and I'll have to see if my cousin can get The Wrestler as well, because I've been itching to see that movie. I love me some Mickey Rourke even though his top lip has apparently been sent into exile and he looks like a total weirdo these days.

In other movie news, I watched The Relic (1997) with Tom Sizemore and Penelope Ann Miller on TV the other day. It was pretty awful, big surprise. I have only one question: How can something with the DNA of a human and a gecko look like this??

The world may never know.

Here are a couple of new products I caught on Mango TV.

The Vibro 10 000:I think the name says it all. Note the pink vibration lines. Very exciting.

And the Steam-O-Belt:

I don't really know what to say about this thing. It looks dangerous, but rest assured, it'll make you sexy and smiley.

This Whole Michael Phelps Bong Bullshit Is Killing Me

Sometimes, I love the United States, and sometimes I refuse to admit that I spent most of my life in a country that's got its head stuck up its own ass.

Poor fucking Michael Phelps, man. The man represents the US, which thanks to Dubyah has the reputation of Paris Hilton among its well cultured international counterparts, and goes on to win EIGHT gold medals. The man overcame ADHD, the man is talented, the man is strong, the man is definitely someone that all those fat ass kids in the US should really be looking up to instead of stuffing their fat faces full of Big Macs and Cheetos. But what does Kelloggs do? They decide to drop him. Why? Because a photo of him smoking a bong surfaced on the interwebs, and of course, he had to go an admit it was actually him and he apologized for his terrible behavior. I saw the photo, and I can't say that I could definitely determine it was Phelps, and like Birv said, it looked like every dude I went to college with - it could be any one of them.

Anyway, I just find it sad that something so trivial, so meaningless, so COMMON as smoking some fucking herb lands people in so much shit. I wonder if those execs at Kelloggs never ever smoked weed when they were young like Phelps. Because if they said "No" I would laugh in their faces until I turned blue.

In any case, I don't think something like smoking weed should ruin a career, a contract, a job possibility, or whatever. What about booze?? I've never met anyone that had smoked themselves to death, or gotten in an accident because they smoked and drove, or gone apeshit on someone and hurt them because they smoked. At worst, I've seen people pee their pants laughing and pass out. I've only known one person who puked from smoking.

I'm tired of living in a country and being subject to a society that is obviously stuck in the 1950s on the surface, but all hell is breaking loose internally. It's called a double standard, people and I'm goddamned tired of it.

So let's really become a progressive country and finally legalize it! Guess what - within a year, I guarantee that the national debt would be obsolete. The government would regulate it, and tax it, like they do in The Netherlands, we would be swimming in money and people would be a whole hell of a lot happier...AND people would be more apt to mind their own goddamned business.

Life is a Kabaret

Comedy comes in all forms, but in Poland it's mostly in the form of a Kabaret (Kah-BAH-rrrrette). Usually seen on Saturday nights such as this, a Kabaret is basically a sketch variety show, occasionally involving singing. Many are very political, which doesn't mean much to me as I really don't know what's going on in Polish politics. All I can say is that it is almost as stupid as American politics, and the current president here, whose identical twin brother is the Prime Minister, is almost as retarded as Dubyah. My favorite, and most modern that I've seen, is Kabaret Ani Mru Mru (roughly Not Even a Sound). These fuckers are HILARIOUS. Many of their skits involve vampires in everyday situations. Above we see Tofik (the hunchback) with his father discussing their love of Britney Spears and if Tofik is, in fact, ugly and his father tries to convince him otherwise.
Another one of my favorites is Kabaret Para Nienormalnych (Para-abnormals). The best skit that I've seen these dudes perform is a one man skit about a modern day Polish girl trying her best to be cool. Her name is Mariolka. She gets a phone call from her girlfriend Gabryska and talks about love and life in the fullest. Sidesplitting, believe me. Maybe you have to experience all of this for yourself, but I hope these photos speak for themselves.



So now that you know all there is to know about the best of the best of Polish comedy, let's talk about last night.

Here's a little background for you: unfortunately for me, I am forced to sleep in the same bed as my mother every night because I can't make it down the back stairs in this damn cast without killing myself or breaking another limb. Needless to say, she refuses to sleep downstairs by herself because she's "scared." Of what? Who the fuck knows?? We live in a tiny town with a tiny crime rate and two huge dogs in the yard but she's "scared." I take this as "I want to be as irritating as possible while you're here." Don't get me wrong, I love my mum, I just don't really want to be sleeping in the same bed as her. Not to mention she goes to bed between 5 and 7pm every night.

Anyway, I usually stay up, watching TV or surfing the interwebs and I go to bed pretty late. I can take that she snores, okay, I can really accept that. What I cannot accept is what happened last night: She YELLS in her sleep. When I say yells, I mean really goddamned yells. Everytime I fell asleep she started yelling about something. I would shake her and tell her to shut the hell up, and just as I was falling asleep again....she starts goddamned yelling again. By the time it was 3am I was ready to take the chance of breaking my leg again and run down the back stairs so I could sleep. I was so pissed off I was grinding my teeth and planning a way that I could talk her into sleeping downstairs from now on, which in turn also prevented me from sleeping. Needless to say, I tried all day today and nothing worked. So here I am, a married woman, sleeping with my mother.

In cheerier news, I have The Curious Case of Benjamin Button! I can't wait to watch it. Actually, I can wait, because I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm pretty tired. Little did I realize it is almost a 3 hour movie and I'm sure I'd pass out at the table in the middle of it.