Good Morning, Poland!

Jesus Christ. Why the hell am I up this early? I woke up at 7:30 am, fed the cat, paid a couple of bills, and I've just been farting around the web for the last half hour. AND I'm out of cigarettes, which is a tragedy, because its not like I can just go to the store any time I want to. Goddamn Slawek (my cuddy). I called him last night to see if he could pick some up for me, and he never showed. Like he has anything to goddamned do. Pfft, he's gonna get it.

Anyway, Ghostbusters was on last night, after CSI:Miami. *GASP* They finally showed something kind of worthwhile on TV here in Poland?? Why yes, yes they did. I was so tired last night that I fell asleep about half way through it, but that's okay because I've seen it like 600 times.

Wait, Joanna ..... You were tired?? I thought you do nothing all day except oversee the flattening of your asscheeks? Yes, Yes I was tired. And here's why.

We've heard me talk about my crazy mother before, and crazy ol' mom goes to the senior's club here in town, which is basically like 9th grade for old people. They have a lot of costume parties (a lot of parties, period!!), and it just so happens that there's a huge gala planned for this evening. First my mom was going to be a gypsy, which is fine because that's easy. Then she got the bright idea to be an oven. Yeah that's right...an oven. Not a regular cooking oven, but a heating oven. Now I know we're all used to turning a knob or pushing a button to get our heat in the US, but not so, for many years, here in Poland. A heating oven is a ceramic tiled oven that's about 7 feet tall that stands in the corner of a room. It's heated by wood and coal that you burn in the little opening in the bottom. The ceramic tiles get hot like crazy, and that's how you keep yourself from freezing to death in the winter. Here's a picture. Just so happens that this one is exactly like the ones we had at my aunt's house, except the tile was darker. She has now upgraded to central heating. Swank.


So anyway, my mom decided she's going to have her friend make her an oven costume. And it comes out a MESS. The lady used some old sign material which had blue, purple, pink and yellow enormous letters on it and painted the tiles all over the place. My mother, needless to say, was completely distraught. I'm not really suprised at her though because her main goal in life is to be hilarious at the senior's club and she did not look hilarious. Just messy.

So lo and behold, her daughter (me) is an artist!! So I was comandeered yesterday to repaint the whole costume, paint flames above the door and smoke below, and paint a sign which will be attached on the back. It took me like five hours to get everything done. My back was sore like crazy because I was standing over the damn costume for so long. But it's for the good of hilarity, so I can't complain too much. I'm taking pictures tonight and so is my cousin, so I'll be sure to post them as soon as I get them.

Oh I haven't told you about the best part yet. There is a little silver door on the front and when you open it there's something inside. My mother bought a men's g string with a pouch for the wiener. The pouch is a little devil guy! So she's wearing it over her pants, stuffed with batting. So basically when you open the door there's a devil wiener poking out at you.

Should I have her committed? I've been thinking about it lately.

Anyway, I've also got to get my crazy ol' aunts ready today. One of them is going to be a punk rocker, so there's lots of hair and makeup to do, and my other aunt is going to be a wounded patient, so I've just got to put some paint on her bandages.

Lord, give me the strength.

Life is a Kabaret

Comedy comes in all forms, but in Poland it's mostly in the form of a Kabaret (Kah-BAH-rrrrette). Usually seen on Saturday nights such as this, a Kabaret is basically a sketch variety show, occasionally involving singing. Many are very political, which doesn't mean much to me as I really don't know what's going on in Polish politics. All I can say is that it is almost as stupid as American politics, and the current president here, whose identical twin brother is the Prime Minister, is almost as retarded as Dubyah. My favorite, and most modern that I've seen, is Kabaret Ani Mru Mru (roughly Not Even a Sound). These fuckers are HILARIOUS. Many of their skits involve vampires in everyday situations. Above we see Tofik (the hunchback) with his father discussing their love of Britney Spears and if Tofik is, in fact, ugly and his father tries to convince him otherwise.
Another one of my favorites is Kabaret Para Nienormalnych (Para-abnormals). The best skit that I've seen these dudes perform is a one man skit about a modern day Polish girl trying her best to be cool. Her name is Mariolka. She gets a phone call from her girlfriend Gabryska and talks about love and life in the fullest. Sidesplitting, believe me. Maybe you have to experience all of this for yourself, but I hope these photos speak for themselves.



So now that you know all there is to know about the best of the best of Polish comedy, let's talk about last night.

Here's a little background for you: unfortunately for me, I am forced to sleep in the same bed as my mother every night because I can't make it down the back stairs in this damn cast without killing myself or breaking another limb. Needless to say, she refuses to sleep downstairs by herself because she's "scared." Of what? Who the fuck knows?? We live in a tiny town with a tiny crime rate and two huge dogs in the yard but she's "scared." I take this as "I want to be as irritating as possible while you're here." Don't get me wrong, I love my mum, I just don't really want to be sleeping in the same bed as her. Not to mention she goes to bed between 5 and 7pm every night.

Anyway, I usually stay up, watching TV or surfing the interwebs and I go to bed pretty late. I can take that she snores, okay, I can really accept that. What I cannot accept is what happened last night: She YELLS in her sleep. When I say yells, I mean really goddamned yells. Everytime I fell asleep she started yelling about something. I would shake her and tell her to shut the hell up, and just as I was falling asleep again....she starts goddamned yelling again. By the time it was 3am I was ready to take the chance of breaking my leg again and run down the back stairs so I could sleep. I was so pissed off I was grinding my teeth and planning a way that I could talk her into sleeping downstairs from now on, which in turn also prevented me from sleeping. Needless to say, I tried all day today and nothing worked. So here I am, a married woman, sleeping with my mother.

In cheerier news, I have The Curious Case of Benjamin Button! I can't wait to watch it. Actually, I can wait, because I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm pretty tired. Little did I realize it is almost a 3 hour movie and I'm sure I'd pass out at the table in the middle of it.